Funny jokes Sbornichek

Relatives escorted her son to the army.
- Write the truth, - said the mother.
- It checks - objection Uncle.
- Then write in blue ink as well as red as bad. And then I 'll come to you.
The son went to. After some time, comes a letter: ' All is well. A bad only one thing: no red ink. '.


Employee comes to work, says:.
- A daughter, four years, saw me in the bathroom and asked why I have hairs on Piseev. And I, instead, to give a spanking, so as not peeping, decided sumnichat and explained all of the truth.
- How's that?.
- Well, as a. She said that before, when people were wild, they were all hairy, all because they lived in the woods. And if they would have no hair, then when running through the woods, they tore branches.
- Well, well?.
As well, well? .


A policeman comes to the park at night and suddenly hears a panting, sighing in the bush. He asks:.
- In love?.
A male voice answers:.
- For love, for love.
- I am not asking you!.
- But here no one else and no!.


Fear has big eyes. In constipation - even more.


Husband and wife in the kitchen. My husband watches the news, my wife is busy with the housework.
On the screen, some pot-bellied uncles together run after a ball, a voice -over:.
- A rare sight - the deputies in the t-shirts and boots!.
My wife freezes - and stared at the TV, suspicious voice asks her husband:.
- What-what they are doing deputies in T-shirts?.

Hello, this is an insurance company? .
She answered:.
- Madam, so things are not done! .
- You know what? .


A man buys cigarettes from a kiosk. The saleswoman handed him a bundle with the words ... Man, the balls of her like the devil from holy water:.
- No, no, girl, give a better lung cancer or stroke!.


There are three friends.
One wife for ten years - another mistress - the third betrothed (the bride ).
Well, the men discussed their own, this and that - decided to experiment: to wear a leather black lingerie - smehualnye stockings with belt - high heels - a mask over his eyes, and so meet their favorite.
A week later, again, are encountered.
' The Bride ' tells - he came home, I met him in stockings and high heels on the mask - he pounced on me said that I love.
his life and we were laughing all night long.
Mistress says - I went to his office - shut the door - opened the cloak - and there leather clothes, mask, heels - he did not.
said, but we are 5 hours without a break doing a laugh.
My wife says sheepishly - her husband came home from work, I opened the door in black leather lingerie, stockings and smehualnyh mask - he looked up and asked: ' What's for dinner, Batman? '.


The wife to her husband:.
- Honey, take a photo of me.
- Why?.
- Well, going to the old look and remember what I was beautiful.
- Them * I imagine, and then even worse!?.


Mom teaches son with a lag in development:.
- Go to the store, buy two things, a carton of milk and a loaf of bread. Got it? .
My son disappears for 2 hours, vozvraschaentsya satisfied, shall Hockey Stick. The mother looks at him, said:.
- Here's a moron, fucking freak. She said the same thing to you two! .


- You have heard say that the same people who actively engaged in laughter, live much longer.
- Sho, I told you! .


Shit floated through the pipes - thought Mowgli, Kaa Wise poured a laxative.


- Hello, hello! .
- Hello, Basil. This allo.


You ask how I feel about laughter? .


An attractive young woman enters the office of the psychiatrist. Before she could close the door behind him, the doctor rips off her clothes and takes possession of it. After that, he gets up and says:.
- Well, well! . And what do you have?.


Ppiveli smehyalnogo maniac on the examination of psihiatpy. Vpach pisyet tpeygolnik and sppashivaet:.
- What is it?.
- It tpeygolnaya room, each worth ygly kpovat, each kpovati tpahayutsya.
Vpach pisyet kvadpat: ' What's that? '.
- It chetypehygolnaya room, each worth ygly kpovat, each kpovati tpahayutsya.
Vpach pisyet shestiygolnik: ' And this? '.
- Yes you doktop, smehyalny a maniac!.


A psychiatrist calms the patient:.
- You say that you past your windows regularly travel trucks and drivers look in the bedroom? .
- True Doctor?.
- Of course.
- But I forgot to tell you that I live on the sixth floor.


Every night, Doctor, I had a dream: peredomnoy door with the inscription, and I knock on her arms and legs but not as can not open.
Doctor:.
- And that the inscription on the door?.
- ' Self '.


Her husband suddenly returned from a trip. The wife quickly opens the door to the balcony and pushed back a lover. Lover jumps out onto the balcony, clutching the railing, jumping them - and the hands let go is not solved - it is terrible. An hour hangs two. Day breaks. The next morning the janitor sweeping the street. He saw the man and asked:.
- What the hang?.
- Vishu.
- Okay, raise your legs under you, I sweep.


Today the plant ' Viagra ' has made an unauthorized discharge of industrial waste into the river, hundreds of swimmers suffered from.
inadequately configured beavers and divers.


The inspector advises OVIR scientist Jew to immigrate to Israel:.
- The work you have a good, flat is good, what more do you want missing?.
- My wife insists.
- And you, man, can not affect the wife?.
- The parents of his wife, too, want to go.
- So let them go, and you stay!.
- Unfortunately, I am the only Jew in the family.


Extract from the minutes from the words of a detainee:.
- Beat me, even the concept of.


There is Little Red Riding Hood in the forest. Suddenly, the wolf appears and says:.
- Quickly three wishes before he died!.
I thought Little Red Riding Hood, and says:.
- Tra.
Potro.
- Let's second wish!.
A cap in response:.
- Tra.
Potro.


Grandma, you yourself come from?.
- Sam, my grandson, the very.
- A mother said that you brought the devil.


Comes in a Swiss bank, and we said:.
- I want to take credit.
Ask: - How much?.
- $ 100 for 1 year.
- Good. Only you know, even with such a small sum we need a bail.
- No problem. My 600th one hundredth Mercedes fit?.
- Yes, of course! .
A year later, a new Russian loan returns, pay $ 10 in interest and is about to leave. Bank clerk:.
- Let me ask why you needed a loan of $ 100?.
- Where do I even find a guarded parking lot for $ 10 a year?.


The Americans have created a new supercomputer for the translation into English of any texts in any language. He introduced the French phrase. Three seconds - translated. Entered the Japanese proposal. Minute - translated. But then a Russian phrase, ...


A married woman complains about her friend:.
- Well, that's what my husband beats?.
Wash, stroke, cook, or a speck of dust in the home, kids honors.
- Pogulivaesh?.
- Well, except for that.


Why is the birthday cake to eat relies?.
Because, unfortunately, a candle stuck in a beer is not!.


My boring and pecking neighbors were quite confident that they will not overtake the punishment of God, until I bought his son an electric guitar.

Got a man in hospital. The nurse brings the dinner: a slice of bread, a quarter of a tomato, half an egg, a spoonful of porridge. The man angrily looking at this dinner, and then calls the nurse.
- What do you want?.
- Mark's post is you?.
- A brand of what?.
- After dinner, used, bl.


I sat once in the duty room at the post. One comes and says, ' That's the shoe were worn, the water gets '.
Well, I advise him, saying, Go buy a gasket Olveyz, and under the insole in the shoe, both positive (well, like sticks and moves, and water collects ).
In short, the ' warm and fuzzy '. Well, one listens to it all and fly pads removed.
Half an hour later comes the discovery of content.
- Che so happy?.
- Well bought it, put. perfectly simple. Only the pharmacist laughed for a long time.
- How to laugh?.
- Yes, I went and said, ' Give me a laying. She asks, ' What? ' .
Dezhurko just lay.


Ministry of Health reminds: Alcohol - the cause of many exciting adventures.


Today did the impossible - the first took a bite of cake on the side where the jam.


The teacher of Russian language to a certain point of his life was confident that the two strips - is the predicate.


From the forum:.
Maybe, who knows, what you can bring a pen?.
- And where did you put it?.


A new gay club, ' backwards '.


To take into account the national mentality, Russia decided to move the day without a car at 1 January.


For 2000 dollars, not only the zoo keeper entered the cage of a tiger, but thrust him into the jaws of the hand, leg, head, and a member of the.
Indeed, two pieces of bucks - it's good money when you consider that 30 kilos of cheap pork, which he previously fed the tiger, it took only $ 200.


- When I first salary brought my wife a pig slaughtered.
- Mark?.
- No, just psihanula.


village. morning. My father wakes her son:.
- Get up, went to mow!.
- Dad, do not mow, still does not work.
- So, I said that? .
Okay, do nothing, the son gets up, take a scythe in the field are. They come in a box, the father begins to mow, son says.
- Dad, I spit dumb, I 'm going home, sharpened.
- Well, just the sort of thing - go.
The son comes home and tells his mother:.
- Mum, Dad said that you'd bought a cooked ravioli and vodka!.
- Well, if Dad said, so now do - the mother puts the cook dumplings.
The son puts her hair into place and goes back into the box and says to his father:.
- Bat, my mother cooked ravioli there and bought vodka, said what would we go back home!.
- Ah, but if so - let's go!.
go home. Meanwhile, his mother cooked dumplings and went to the store for vodka.
Father and son come home, looking - dumplings boiled or vodka, or the mother does not.
His father, unable to understand, says his son:.
- Mother No, no vodka. How can ravioli without vodka? .
The son comes to vodka, and the road comes to a neighbor. says:.
- Uncle Mich, Dad found out that you are a mother lover, wants to kill you.
A neighbor scared.
- Here is a pancake on your money, just before my otmazh Batya their.
- Okay. - Takes the money goes to the store to buy vodka, comes home and tells his father:.
- Bat, there is a neighbor asked to help kill a pig.
- And, well, just ask, so need help! .
My neighbor looks out the window - sees Dad is with an ax.
' Well - think - not the son of otmazatsya. '.
Jumping out the window and hiding in a corn field.
His father comes, he looks, there is a neighbor, a pig running around the yard, he hacked it and went back.
At this time the mother comes out of the store, and the son she says:.
- Mom, Dad found out that you have a neighbor lovers! . The mother looks out the window and sees a man with a bloody ax.
'All - thinks - Khan to me! ' .
The father comes home and tells his son:.
- Damn, what is it? .
- Yes they are there in the cornfield, somersault!.
- Chtooooo? .
The son sits at the table, pours himself a vodka, dumpling skewers on a fork, and looking at the corn field, philosophically says, ' Hey, Dad, Dad. I told you that today will not be able to mow. '.


In the morning the chief says goodbye with his secretary and asks her chalk. Pocherkav to suit chalk, goes home. At home his wife asks:.
- Where were you?.
- Do you realize. We have a new secretary. Asked to hold her back. Invited to drink coffee. Sucked into the bed.
The wife in tears:.
- Lie, lie again! .


Doctor calls his client on the phone and says:.
- Listen, I have a disaster. The computer broke and I do not remember just now what I have set up a diagnosis of your wife, not the predinfarktnoe state, not syphilis.
- Well, Cho I do?.
- Did you make her run a cross, ten miles that way. And if it dies, then the more it is not tr.


One Chinese man - one tree! ' .
Immediately after the feast of 10 million Chinese lost in the woods in Figure.


The slow, sensual dance. She ( snuggling up to your partner, passionately ):.
- I'm a little worried. It seems to me that my neck is too deeply. What do you think?.
He ( looking at the neck, carefully ):.
- Uh - uh, tell the truth. yes no. And you have that chest hair?.
She ( in a fanciful horror ):.
- What are you talking about? .
He:.
- Yes, then, perhaps, a little glubokovato.


Closed hearing. Listens to a rape.
The victim - a healthy lass years dvadtsatipyati. Hasilnik - a little boy of nine, whose mother refused to counsel:.
- I 'll be able to protect their own wee!.
Victims:.
- I work for a nanny. Brought her baby for a walk. I'm sitting on a bench, reading a detective. A defendant ran a number of airplanes. HEY, I read, read, watch - and he was there ' flew '.
- So I had to push - the judge says.
- Yeah, ' push '! .
MAMA- LAWYER ( unzips his pants little boy, gets his little pisyunchik, puts on his hand and gently shaking him, yelling ):.
- Citizens of the judges! .
Judge! .
BOY ( my mother 's ear ):.
- Ma, do not shake, and then the process will lose.


Doctor, what kind of disease is the best?.
- Scabies: scratched - and still want to.
- And what is the worst?.
- Hemorrhoids. Not a look for myself, no other show.


Hello, Sam? .
strongly. I'm afraid that going to explode!.
- Lucy, calm down! .


Obkurennye soloists and stoned just could not get the words in the.
melody. Thus was created a rap.


I bought a pill to improve and develop intelligence. I could not open the box.


Lovely ladies:.
If your husband has started to follow the fashion, begin to follow her husband.


The wolf and the fox caught a rabbit. Rabbit beats in hysterics, screaming:.
- Do not eat me please, I have a family, kids!.
- Shut up! . You want a drink? .
- I.
- It is necessary to run. Here's grandmother - Blow in the store!.
Hare took the money and ran. As soon as he disappeared from view, Wolf said the fox:.
- Hmm. A cleverly thought of you, red, snack to us again and drove for vodka!.


Alexander Druz accidentally went to the funeral, and guessed that the black box.


I am so fond of in the office! . Bitches!.


- I thought until I was 21 is not fulfilled, a drop of alcohol!.
- Are you sure that you manage to hold out for a week?.


You daughter Victoria was named in honor of the victory?.
- No, in honor of Wikipedia. Let a wise grows.


The blonde put on the desktop screen saver pictures of her boyfriend, and after half an hour at all quarreled with the monitor.


And why I was thinking in my school years, that formula is the sum of the angles of the sinus still tries ** I did not come in handy later in life? .


Folk wisdom: if the blonde 's head off, it will be another 3 days to run to the shops!.


Look through the resumes of candidates, one memorable.
The man says:.
- Quit drinking and smoking, retired from all registered sites - ready to work!.


It used to be called a romantic comedy ...


You're tucked in bed?.
- Yes, a full tank!.


My son - my father:.
- Oh, Daddy, you're so inconsiderate!.
- So rejoice! .


The company 'husband for an hour ...


Research scientists in the field of laughter empirically established that is not so bad to be a research scientist in the field of laughter!.


They talk to two friends:.
- You laugh with his wife, after talking to?.
- Yes, if the call.


Doctor, my horns!.
- Imagine that you have deer, and you do not care about other goats.


She was the girl of my dreams. Until I found out my dream girl.


I have in my closet light buggy, he switched on / off. I go to the toilet, like in the movies: you come, you sit down - and the light goes out.


We apologize to readers:.
Instead of a printed ...


Waiting for its release, a stripper ate the cake inside.


Escaped from a circus performing bear was caught stealing a bike.

It is a pity that all those who know how to run the country are busy writings of various x ** or on the forums.

Peaceful family night in front of TV. mum. dad. son.
On the box show a film about a family of cats, ranging from domestic cats and up to predators. son:.
- Mom! .
Mom:.
- No, son. Why the us headache? .
At this time the tiger on the TV show the family. son:.
- Mom! .
Dad ( melancholy ):.
- No, my dear! .


xxx: Blah, half an hour trying to download a book net, and every other reference to the prostitutes sent!!!.
yyy: can book them?.


Hello! . Please tell me where I put gandbolku?.


Doctor, is there life after death?.
- And you think I like proctologist, know better?.


All the teeth in the mouth of it were gold, for it is the men among themselves called it the ' E ** tny yard '.


in game chat:.
AAA: moron.
xxx: you tell me?.
yyy: you tell me?.
zzz: Who, me?.
aaa: you have seen a miniature ' children's self-esteem '.


I confessed to my wife that I had a fascination with Masha, but I have not slept with her. So she arranged for me is that it's better I would have slept.


Do you drink vodka?.
- Only on holidays.
- And when you have a holiday?.
- When there is vodka.


court. Judge - blonde:.
- Why did you poison the neighbors?.
- I was at the store said that it is better to poison cockroaches, along with neighbors. ).


Unemployed Ivanov of Chelyabinsk came up with a fairly simple way to make money on an apartment in Moscow: you have 4000 years of work and the janitor is not.


The secretary - boss:.
- Remember, I ran for office in the morning with a glad cry of ' Hurrah, I finally found the damn for staplers! '?.
- Yes.
- Did not see where I put them after this?.


A friend picked up a book and said:.
- Let us tell your fortune! .
And only then I noticed that he had in his hands the Criminal Code.


I wonder why office workers spend days sitting in soft chairs, and no hemorrhoids?.
- So the daily massage at the same Well boss.


Dear Grandfather Frost!.
For the year I had a very good girl,.
so please, handed me a gift.
to some bad boy.


Winnie the Pooh caught a goldfish. She pleads:.
- Forgive me, but I will do so as soon as you think about something, your wish will be granted immediately!.
Winnie the Pooh and lets the fish go about their business. He saw men drink beer. He thinks, ...
In a moment it all appears to him. Only Pooh fell in to a drink, nowhere appears Piglet.
- Oh, Winnie, hello! .


There is a funeral procession, funeral teschyu. Suddenly his brother- bird defecated on my shoulder, son raised his head and said, Mom, you're already there?.



Hijacker sits in the car. Begins to wail siren. And on the radio screen appears:.
' To turn off the siren and start the engine, send an SMS to short number '.


Hearing the applause in the cabin after boarding an airliner, flattered by the captain immediately raised plane in the sky and sang an encore loop the loop, barrel and other aerobatics.


In the pharmacy window sticks man and asked:.
- Girl, you have a condom size HHHL?.
- Oh, man, what are you through the window, then. pass, try!.

Honey, we have wedding anniversary today, maybe slaughter a pig?.
- Pig to do with it? .


My mother told. the USSR. The time gap. Mink hat at a great price. Her friend was driving and fell asleep on the subway. Wakes up, and there is no cap! . The one with a quiet kind of stands up, gets close, and at the very moment when the doors are ready to close, she tears off his hat guy and flies out of the car! .


After his doctor declared the terrible dignoz - infertility, he was so taken aback that he did not know what to tell his pregnant wife.


A young mother sits with her 6- year old daughter on the bus. The girl looked very carefully at the window. She says a roadside lonely prostitute.
My daughter asks her mother:.
- Mom, the lady does APTA then one on the road?.
The mother answers:.
- This is the woman who bought the house for different things, waiting for her husband who has to fetch her ​​car.
The bus driver hears it all and suddenly comes into the conversation:.
- What are you child hang noodles on your ears? .
The girl began to think again, and finally asks his mother:.
- If it deals with love, so then there are the children? .
Mother says:.
- Bus driver!.


A teacher of music Vovochke says:.
- It is necessary to rehearse more!.
- What could be more! .


Boss, a smaller head:.
- All, I'm fired!.
- For what? . Dryuchil all the bums in the.
all holes.
- You idiot, I put it figuratively.


Do you know an anecdote, Little Johnny went to chase the bear from its den.
- Nah me your anecdote, I'll wait and see in 2012 is a reality show on the First.